Waves

Today, is Thursday.

Four weeks ago, my reality was shifted so suddenly, I couldn't breath.

As Rob and I held each other in worship last night, with shear force of will, we raised our hands as we mouthed the words,

"And all my life You have been faithful

And all my life You have been so, so good

With every breath that I am able

Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God"

He has been faithful; all my life. Even now. I see so many ways God has prepared us for this. No, this was NEVER His plan. Andrea was suppose to live a full and rich life. Fulfill her dreams of being a mommy. She would have been such an amazing mommy, taken everything I had to give her, added all of her own, and been even better than I. Isn't that our dream for our kids? To take the tools we gave, learn, and improve to pass on generation to generation. Reverse the curse, build on the promise.

No, this was not God's plan.

But, we live in an imperfect world. With pain. With shame. With regret. With sin. With one word, He could have reversed this, but, He choose not to for reasons completely baffling to me.

From the beginning of my story, He knew.

If you know me, you know that I live in a "happy world." Sometimes, I can create it, ignore things that don't fit, control things to make them fit...but, not this one. My reality will be forever altered. It doesn't fit. But, God has prepared me. I have weathered some storms. My happy world has previously been rocked. And I knew nothing else, except that God was still God...and he knows me, intimately. He knows my anguish. He has counted my tears; all of them. And he gave me the strength, somehow, to weather even this; I see it.

Since Andrea's graduation from high school, she and I had not been as close as I would have liked. I would have liked a phone call a day. Weekend sleepovers. Trips to the mall. All very true to my extroverted self. But, we had found out Andrea was an introvert. What??? Who knew? As she tried to separate herself from us and find herself as a single individual, not The Sorensen5, she struggled. That is a hard battle. It is hard to define oneself, separate from those you love. I well remember my own tearing. But, I was older than Andrea when my own self was found. She knew her sadness and depression hurt me. I couldn't help. I didn't know how. She kept her distance because it was hard- for both of us. But, she did share. And she loved.

And all my life You have been faithful

And all my life You have been so, so good

With every breath that I am able

Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

We had such a sweet relationship. I have memories. She gave me a book on Mother's Day 2020 with letters she wrote to me to read on different events like her wedding, or the day she gave birth, or the day I needed to know how much she loved me.

Rob has sweet photos of her ice fishing with him. He was her easy space. She could just rest in the protection of her Daddy without shielding his hurt.

David has a baby bootie for Little Bean that he will forever carry. She was planning on meeting that little niece...she really was.

Michael now has her truck, and every once in awhile, he will sit in the passenger seat and sing those Disney songs.

Grief is an interesting thing. We were told it would come in waves. We would be lifted off our feet, swirling, no sense of rightness, tumultuous churning...but eventually, feet will hit the ground again.

Some days, so heavy it's unbearable. Shocking, baffling...the re-realization over and over again.

And then other days, just merciful melancholy, a soft sadness...

And all my life You have been faithful

And all my life You have been so, so good

With every breath that I am able

Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.