It’s been awhile since I’ve shared. November, December and January are hard months for me. This year, I’m trying to discover healthy ways to acknowledge the loss of Andrea, while being present, and participating in the life that I have with the ones who still, physically, walk close beside me.
It is shocking to me how absence can so overshadow the present. I do not want my life to be consumed by loss though. I want to learn to hold the loss, while creating healthy habits to create, something, that is healthy and brings more smiles than tears.
That is hard to do with loss such as this…It is hard to do with any loss I image.
So, for November and December, I tried not to focus on the loss of Andrea as much. It was there, but I tried not to be consumed by it.
A turning point for me was the trip I made to Leavenworth the end of October with my Trego Knit-buddies.
You see, I was able to take them to my town….
I was able to show off the town I grew up in. The town I raised my kids in.
The town that I have treasured, taken joy in and been so proud to call mine for most of my life.
After losing Andrea though, for me, the town exposed everything I was missing. Every memory, every person, everything about a trip home exposed the absence of Andrea.
Except hanging out with Sailor of course…Then, it wasn’t about Leavenworth, it was all about that granddaughter of mine. But, if you’ve seen her you understand she holds the entire space around her captive. There was no room for loss with her…even certain tendencies of hers that threw me back in time to her aunt at that age, even then, I couldn’t help but smile.
When I took my Montana friends to Leavenworth though, I remembered ALL of that Leavenworth was for me. The Link bus driver called me Carrie Lane. Another friend from high school, and my Enzian manager drove us around. Every single store we walked into had someone I knew call me by name.
But here’s the thing: I was with 9 other ladies who were wearing matching sweatshirts with the “Colors” of the Trego Pub on it. The people we ran into were from 40 years of my life, and I remembered more years than just the last three.
I began to feel more like the old me a bit.
But, I don’t want to forget the new me, for the new me is carrying a loss so staggering, that to ignore it is to deny one of the strongest loves a parent can carry.
I don’t want to move past the sorrow.
I don’t want to move on.
I don’t want to get over it.
But I do want to incorporate the before-losing-Andrea-Carrie, with the after-losing-Andrea-Carrie.
Both are integral and important parts of my being.
That brings me to a week long exersize I participated in to find a word for the year.
My word for 2025 is Partake.
For the last 3 years I feel like I’ve been an observer. Actually, I don’t even know if observer is accurate…I’ve been present, but unable to participate.
I became quiet.
I had little to say.
And if you know me, that is a dramatic change in who I am.
My grandpa called me MotorMouth.
My hotel manager called me Twitter.
I lost the excitement to tell everyone everything about my life….but, up until November 11, 2021, everything in my life was worth sharing! At least to me….
In my quiet though, I’ve learned a few things.
I’ve learned to watch those around me a bit. I’ve learned to see the people moving, and recognize a little more the hurt that so many carry.
I hope I have learned to connect a little more. And when I connect, it holds more value as it takes so much more effort on my part.
I noticed this desire to partake at Christmas this year.
I feel like I participated again. Christmas is my favorite, and stockings are my joy.
My boys love me so well, and have not only given me permission, but full rein to do stockings as I’ve always done! This gives me an outlet to buy all those fun, silly little gifts without breaking our new family spending guidelines that help us do Christmas without guilt or pressure.
Sometimes you don’t know the value of a tradition until you drop it…and I dropped stockings the last year or so…it did not bring me joy. As I’m buying stocking stuffers, the fact that I’m not buying Andrea’s was just too hard.
This year, I did buy Andrea’s items.
I put them in a stocking just like David and Michael’s, and Cassie and Kaylee’s.
But here’s what we did.
Each person picked one thing from her stocking, a homemade hat, the candy bar, the Chick-fillet gift card, the socks…
Each of us chose one item and we will keep it with us until we see someone, actually see them like Andrea would have. We will look for a hurting heart who just need to be seen, or the person who needs a little help today, or a warm meal. We will look for them and give them Andrea’s gift. Because that was Pandi’s Prayer. She did see the person who needed a smile. She saw the person on the corner holding a sign. She saw the man in front of the gas station begging for a cup of coffee. She saw the hurting…
So, in learning to observe, I want to see some of what Andrea saw.
And I want to partake…I don’t want to be just present, but I want to participate again.
I definitely felt that over Christmas. I am finally beginning to live without her absence robbing me of the presence of those who also share my heart. I am so, so grateful for the grace and love of our sons and their wives. They have loved through their own pain so well. I don’t want to miss one more moment of the precious time I have with them. I want to partake of every occasion, every phone call, every milestone…I want to feel and experience fully.
So, for 2025, I’m choosing to Partake.
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