New Life…

It was Easter weekend.

Contemplating Jesus coming out of the tomb,

out of the darkness,

the cold,

a separation unimaginable…

Thinking of Mary watching her son…

Then seeing him walk out.

All of these cause a pause and I reflect on the year.

New life.

Rebirth.

A hope and a future I know is there, even when I don’t feel it.

When I don’t see it.

I missed my kids this weekend;

My boys and their amazing wives.

The most adorable grandkids on the planet.

And Andrea.

But, I saw some things this weekend and I remembered her with a smile….

No tears.

And that is good. That is time. That is healing.

This Easter was about rebirth. New growth- a renewal.

Parts of me that existed before losing Andrea. Before even being a mom. Before even Rob.

I’ve wondered over the last 4.5 years why God has not shown me things in a profound, or “bigger” way. I’d like to have had Him spell things out a little better.

But that’s never been the way it worked for me. God’s voice has always been quiet in my head, in my heart. I remember talking with Andrea once that it was a voice I’ve always heard…very quietly. But the last 4.5 years, it’s been very quiet…like silent quiet. But, in my experience, I know, He is there.

Always.

I’m beginning to recognize now what I was missing before. Grief hangs over things like that…

A grey blanket. A heavy weighted blanket, I suppose, covering everything.

Easter. Spring. More daylight. Blue skies. Gifted Flower baskets. Littles giggling on our porch. Soggy pretzel jello. 8 Layered salad.

Little girls dancing in worship in the front row….

These things remind me of who I was.

Who I am.

Before.

After.

During.

I led worship this last Sunday at the opening of Canvas Church in Eureka.

It’s been 10 years since I was on a worship team.

And probably 35 years since I’ve been on a team without Rob next to me…

But, this was who I was.

Before losing Andrea.

Before marrying Rob.

And just like the trip to Nicaragua 2 years ago, I saw a glimpse of the Carrie that has been covered by the business of life. Not bad, just stages. Actually, very good business. Other things had priority. Nothing I loved more.

Stages.

This new stage is hard.

You carry loss.

Weight (yes, I’m talking pounds).

Age weighs one down.

The heaviness of the world.

But also,

You carry confidence.

Quiet.

Solitude.

Balance.

As I take a moment today to ponder the glorious hope I have in a future I get to share with those around me, I feel lighter.

If you are in a grey place, or a dark tomb, hold on.

Sunday is coming I promise.

It may take 3 days.

It may take 4.5 years.

It may take until we are called home….

But, it will come.

I promise.

I know, that I know, that I know.

If I know nothing else in the world….

This is enough.

1 Cor. 11:23-34

Slow down and examine ourselves-wait for one another.