“She was imperfect, but she tried…”

“She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy, but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine”

This was one of the songs Andrea sang at her senior recital, before we even went to see the performance of “The Waitress” at the Paramount.

As I look back, I hear the emotion in this song for her. Usually, she danced with more feeling than she sang…but at this recital, the songs were all hers.

But this one, I didn’t know at the time, but this one now speaks to me more than the others.

Beautiful daughter-in-law, Cassie, sent me her playlist a couple of weeks ago reminding me of this song. Well, reminding isn’t really true because Andrea is always dancing n the background of my mind, but, I started looking for Andrea’s recital videos. I had recorded it on my old IPad, and uploaded to the ICloud, but ever since we got new phones in 2019, I didn’t have them on my phone. So, I hadn’t listened to her senior recital…at all.

I was looking for something on my phone last night, old pictures, and scrolled through my videos. Earlier that evening, Rob had me log into ICloud to look at some pictures of a house he just finished building. So, back to looking for something…all of a sudden I had 1200 videos on my phone. I’ve not seen that many…so, I scrolled to the bottom…

There they were.

Andrea’s senior recital videos.

The entire recording.

I started listening to one song and knew the sadness was gonna hit. Yes, Rob held me, and I cried a bit…

So, this morning, sitting in the dark, alone for the hunting day, I decided to sit in the sadness. Today, I would allow myself time to mourn.

Time to listen.

Times to cry.

Today, I wouldn’t run from the tears, or bury them in business..

Today, I gave myself permission to just sit.

And cry, miss her, and be sad.

Today, I would remember, and dwell, and mourn….

Maybe it’s that it’s November 1.

Maybe, it’s been such a good summer and fall, I needed to acknowledge the sad as well. I don’t know, but I do know that today, today I had time to feel all the things. I gave myself permission to do whatever I needed…messy, imperfect, kind, tears, smiles…whatever.

And I sat and listened to her entire recital.

I heard the songs she sang at Solo & Ensemble. The song I had heard her music teacher sing, maybe before Andrea was born, thinking it was the most beautiful song I had heard…The first jazz song she sang as an 8th grader…I heard her thank me for all the things. I heard the daughter I knew. “She was messy but kind. She was good, but she lied. She was imperfect, but she tried….She is gone, but she used to be mine.”

That might have been one of the last times that she really was herself that I was able to participate in. When she left for college, she floundered, as we all do.

And then Covid hit and the seclusion was not helpful for her. From then on, when I was able to see her, she was different from the daughter I knew….we knew she was struggling. She was faking it a lot…she had an anxiety attack trying to come to my birthday. And to Michael’s wedding. She was wearing a ton of makeup…she was even louder than we knew her to be…and then she was isolated…We were losing her to the lies in her head and I didn’t know how to help her. I can now see from her journal in the last 12 months of her life, that she was not thinking rationally. Her last words were, “I am broken”…and she wouldn’t ask for help.

She had forgotten the good, the kind, and that she tries part….

She had forgotten the grace. God has never required us to be perfect…You are forgiven.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, we are all broken.

We all lie.

We are all messy.

But, we are also kind.

We are also good.

And we try so hard.

You are enough!

Tomorrow needs you.

This chapter is not the end of your story, so,

Please stay.