As Emotions Collide

Yep, it's been awhile.

That's a good sign. Life has been good. Grief wounds are healing. Scars less visible. Until this week, I can't remember the last time I truly cried...

Well, I take that back. There was that one person who held Andrea close. It was the first time I saw him...yes, that was hard.

But, other than that, I'm seeing the Carrie I used to know show up a little more each day, each month.

And my summer just began! We celebrated the 1rst birthday of grandchild #2. So many smiles. Joy. Celebration.

And then the emotions collide.

A text alerting me to a loss.

A pain so familiar.

Emotions collide. Tears. Anger. Grief. Empathy. Compassion. Understanding. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. A hug remembered. A laugh. A smile. Illness. Mental. Terminal. Too many questions. No answers.

Another life lost too early. A parent's heart. A teacher's tears. Sibling's confusion. A community searching for answers. Too many words.

There is nothing anyone can say that will help right now.

There is no fix.

Just pain....for now.

But, in time, remembering will bring a smile. It will bring joy. But not yet....

For now there is no joy in this. There is only unanswered questions.

We live in a broken world with lost humans...

And we, the humans are not the fix.

I can save no one....but I know someone who can. And that save may look vastly different than my understanding can see....

I'll have to leave the questions unanswered.

For now.

Until then, I will continue to heal myself in the way I know how. I will feel the pain. Remember the heart breaking grief. Feel again the anguish.

And hold out a hand to one following along behind on this journey no parent should ever have to walk alone.

And someday, years down the road, a message will come through with the gift of remembering. A way of honoring the one we loved so well. A girl I hope to meet who shows a similar spirit of helping a team mate, and singing at the top of her voice, to the one I miss so much.

And someday, that will bring tears of joy.

Someday.

But for this recent loss? That day is not today...so...for you sweet girl, I remember the hug, a smile, a laugh. And for now, for you, I have only tears to shed.