I'm struggling. Maybe it's the let-down from meeting Sailor. Maybe I'm beginning my third month without Pandi. Maybe it's...grief.
But, I feel myself isolating a bit. And I don't think that's good.
I didn't want to write to you, but I am.
I had a friend ask me what surprised me most about meeting Sailor. Of course, the overwhelming love, joy, pride, and the feeling of familiarity holding that little life. The pride in watching my son move into that role with so much confidence and capabilities. I know, shocker right?
But, the thing that actually surprised me most was this.
The joy did not take away the pain.
I kinda hoped it would.
But, the joy was overwhelming. And wonderful. And beyond expectation.
And the sad was still there. In all of it's blanketing pain.
Neither was less because of the other.
They sat side by side in my arms. Equally.
I'm learning to let go.
I'm realizing this is different than anything I've ever experienced. I have seen reconciliation of incredible situations. Reconciliation of relationships no one would ever think could be. But they were. I listen to songs on K-love where it says that, "It will be ok." And, "turn this around."
In my world, there is no turning this around. Or making it ok.
But yet, even so, it is.
That's God. And Grace. And Faith.
Even so, it is well with my soul.
I'm learning.
Lean into the pain. Experience it fully.
Lean into the joy. Experience it fully.
Trust in God. Experience His presence fully.
One other time when my world did not make sense, I remember saying,
"I know nothing else, other than God is still God."
I have no insights. I have neither advice nor wisdom. I have no answers.
But, God is God, and He is beside me...every step of the way.
Joy and grief, cradled side by side, equally.
It is ok. Well, it will be ok.