Serenity out of Sorrow

Adventure Wednesday trip in Florida where I found Serenity.

This is the 4th girls trip since losing Andrea.

Somehow, trips like this can be so hard in grief.

I felt uncomfortable in my own body, in my heart, in my head.

I don't know who I am anymore.

And I don't function like I used to.

I am different.

Sitting still is hard.

Visiting is hard.

Catching up is hard.

Small talk is hard.

It's all just hard.

But this year was different.

It wasn't hard.

Time doesn't erase, but it does heal. Not without scars of course, but, I can see progress.

Not that I'm all "back to normal", but I am learning to function as the different me. And my friends are learning to sit with this person as well.

And I found Serenity.

I found healing in the Gulf.

For hours I sat bobbing in the ocean.

Hours.

I bobbed solo.

No talking, no distraction, just bobbing. Just looking out into the horizon.

I wasn't thinking, I wasn't figuring anything out, I wasn't even praying...I was just....

Bopping.

And in that there was healing.

And my friends noticed. They said I was different, and they were proud of me.

One wasn't sure if I'd be able to do these trips after the first two....I wondered as well.

The other said it brought her such joy to see me bob...to be able to be still.

We tried to name what this was I was feeling.

I am not strong in the game of naming my emotions...not good at this skill at all. I watch Cassie with Sailor, teaching her her emotions and I am so envious that 3 year old Sailor knows what I'm trying to figure out!!!

I did not have Champ with me, and I was good.

I hardly crocheted, and I was talking again!

I had a stillness.....

To be honest, even before Andrea, I was not still. I was always accomplishing something, thinking about something, solving something.

But this week, I just bobbed.

I was not thinking, not solving, not accomplishing anything....

Except healing.

So, I tried to name this feeling.

It looked like peace, but that didn't quite fit for me. Peace seems to infer that this is a good place, a desired emotion. For some reason, for me, being at peace with the loss of Andrea didn't work....

Contentment? Nope...for similar reasons as peace....

Seems to say I'm ok with the loss.

I'm not....

You see, I'm not good at this game....but then Serene came to mind

That one didn't make me flinch.

Serene: calm, peaceful, and untroubled; tranquil.

Yes...I pick Serene.