A friend sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today.
She said, "There is still joy in this journey."
I needed that reminder.
Again, my head knows.
My eyes see.
I hear the laughter.
I taste the airy Krispy Kreme donuts...
I feel the warmth of the sun.
But my heart...that's the one that needed the reminder.
As I've struggled over the last several weeks, I realized several things:
May is Mental Health Awareness month.
Just over a year ago, Andrea checked herself into the hospital for the first time.
My 50th birthday last year was hard for her.
And Mother's Day is a week away.
Ok. I guess I can see why these last few weeks have been even more difficult than I expected.
I don't know what awareness to bring. I don't know what to share. All I know is my story.
My part of Andrea's story.
Just over one year ago, Andrea checked herself into the ER, and stayed in a health care facility for a week. On suicide watch.
She was 21; an adult.
I was no longer in charge.
All I could do was wait. And pray.
As she tried to figure out what was happening in her own head, and heart, she tried to give me clues on what I could do to help.
But she didn't even know those answers for herself. This was unknown territory for me. I tried to gather some tools, information, knowledge; but I didn't have enough time....
We withdrew her from Whitworth.
And waited for her to decide how she wanted to do this, what she wanted from us.
Again, she didn't know what she wanted from herself, let alone us.
She was trying so hard....
My 50th birthday, just over one year ago. She came to the party. It was all she could do to get herself there. It was the first time she saw her brothers since she got out of the hospital. She was there only because I asked her to be...it took all her strength.
Mother's Day in just a week....I'm not even going there at the moment.
Rob found a journal she had begun writing to her future husband, the end of 2020.
She was full of hope.
Stark contrast to her journal in the months prior to November, 2021.
I don't understand Mental Illness....but it is real.
The battle is like nothing I've ever seen. I watched her. She fought valiantly.
I don't know how to bring awareness, other than this; talk about it. I'm sharing with you.
It is real.
I don't know how to fix it.
But, it's there.
I guess I understand now why my heart is so heavy...
But, there is still joy in the journey.
And yes, I now realize, I would do it all over again.
I would take 21 years.
I would take 10, or one hour.
I would do it all over again.
To love deeply is to grieve deeply.
And I do both.
Of course, you all knew my answer...thank you for waiting for me to catch up.
I continue to love completely.
It's not in me to love any less.
I'll continue to love even knowing the potential heartache...and see the joy in this journey.
And yes, I'll hear her laughter in the...well, if you've heard her laugh, the wind is way too tame...
I'll hear her laughter in the rushing river. Her song in the windchimes.
I'll see her smile in the daytime moon.
I'll watch her dance in the dandelion wisps.
And yes, I will continue to see the joy in the journey.
Because it's there. Every step of the way.
Thank you for reminding me.