I have had no desire to write to you, but today, I do.
I NEED to write to you once a week. I feel it. It is necessary for me. It is necessary for you, whoever you are. At this moment.
I have many topics, thoughts, emotions; not sure where this one is going to go.
I read a post on Facebook about 6 weeks ago, before I know what I know now, and it made me mad.
It was a post about what a fraud parenting author Dr. Spock was. Well, I didn't read any of his books so I have no opinion on his parenting tactics. But, the reason stated for his fraud was that his son took his own life. In my brief research, that is debatable.
But, I was angry that this was a discredit to Dr. Spock. And that was before I knew what I know now.
What I know now is that is that suicide is a choice. A sickness. A blackness many of us cannot comprehend. It has very little to do with the parents. Yes. I am telling myself this as well. I NEED to get this. I NEED to know this in the core of my being.
We live in a messed up world. We live with sin. We live in darkness. Satan is alive, and well, and he is running amuck in our world. He is winning battle after battle right now. But, he will not win the war.
Depression can't always be linked to a specific event. Sometimes, it just is. I only know this through what Andrea had shared with me.
You knew us. You saw us. There were no hidden lives, or skeletons in the closet...ok, we all have a few skeletons. But they were just like yours. She was loved. We were good parents. A good family. We loved well. We played well. We supported well. No, we were not perfect. I heard a quote on a podcast on Mental Illness over the last few months, and she said she was a "good enough mom." And that was enough.
I didn't want to be a good enough mom.
I wanted to be the best mom ever. I was created for this. This was the job I was intended for. I loved the reading of books, the giggles, the cheering on the sidelines, the headlines as well. I loved watching my kids succeed. The failures, and poor choices were far harder, but we had them. And we dealt with them. And we did not hide them.
I was created for this. And God did not pick the wrong mom for Andrea. Or Michael. Or David.
As a parent, you whole being is in protect mode. We desire only the best. We want to help them find the path of least destruction. And that doesn't go away. You rock them as a baby. Feed them. Jump out of bed when their breathing changes. Then you console. You listen. You give tools for dealing with rejection, hurt, consequences.
We do the best we can with the tools we have been given.
And that's the best we can do.
I wasn't a good enough mom.
I was the mom God choose.
I was the right mom.
I was the right mom.
I was the right mom. I was....
Someone needs to hear this today.
I need to hear this today.
I did not fail.
God did not fail.
Our world is full of darkness.
Andrea did not fail....
God is still God. He is...still...in control.
Somehow, someway, you will see Jesus so much in...even this....
And that is Andrea's prayer.
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