It's been over 6 months.
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Emotions that I'm actually unfamiliar with.
Feelings I don't know how to handle.
Situations I have no control over.
Unzipped.
I have been deliberately zipped for the last 6 months. Not in a bad way, in a very healthy way. I've got to keep the pain zipped up, protected. I'm not bottling it, just keeping things in a manageable space, one that I can keep under control.
But last week, a trigger, something, caused me to be unzipped.
It was weird. I don't know how to describe that day, except I felt....manic.
I felt a bit crazy. I was angry. Not just angry, I was enraged. Truly.
A situation occurred that was not anyone's fault. But, it triggered me.
Whitworth Choir performed a Spring Concert.
It was in memory of Andrea.
I was unaware of the event.
I was triggered in a way I've not experienced. I felt rage. Anger. Confusion. Disbelief. Sound familiar? But this was different. I was mad at God in a way I've not allowed myself to be.
Why in the world would He rob me of experiencing this event? Why wouldn't He allow me to sit and soak in the voices that my sweet one was so involved in?
Why couldn't I have sat and wept....felt the healing flow over me?
Why????
This tipped me over the edge in a way I hadn't experienced...even when I received the phone call on November 11.
I don't believe in coincidences...so that meant that God intended for me to NOT be there.
I was so mad at Him.
Like temper-tantrum mad. I sobbed in my chair wanting to kick and scream.
The next day at school...I was unzipped. Everything was hanging out.
And there was absolutely nothing I could do.
So, I took the advice someone gave me, and called a counselor that had been recommended to me.
Miracle One: She had an opening at 4:30.
I walked in and started sobbing. She, thinking we had the same information, mentioned she was glad I came to talk to her since we were walking the same path. She had thought that the person who recommended her, gave me the information; she lost her son just two years ahead of me. She knew my pain.
Miracle Two: I did not know that information. I thought I was going to see a counselor. Instead, I went to talk to a friend on the same path. We shared together. We both cried. We both talked about how we deal...the craziness that shows up. The days we fall unzipped.
And the anger was released. I let it go. I realized that yes, God, you are fully aware. You see me. You did not just forget to tell me about the concert. I wasn't suppose to be there...for several reasons.
Reason 1: Rob said he couldn't have done it. He said he either wouldn't have gone, which in my manic state, would have caused a major battle; a division that we don't need right now. Or, he would have given in to my very strong desires, and done what was not healthy for him. So, God was protecting my husband...from me... That's a bit hard to swallow.
Reason 2: This concert wasn't about me. It was about the Whitworth community; and Andrea. They were taking care of exactly who they needed to take care of. If we had been there, the dynamics would have changed. It wasn't about me; it was about them, and Andrea. And I was not in control...I'm a master at being in control and holding all the keys. I was so out of control on this one. They are sending me a live recording, and the program, and a poster. I will still get to share in this amazing remembrance of Andrea, in a way that is healthy for us all.
Reason 3: I had a lot of anger bottled up. This situation, allowed me to be angry at something....and I unzipped. It all spilled out. I needed to be a little crazy. I needed to get it out. And in releasing all of that I experienced...
Miracle Three: On Wednesday, May 18, 2022, during worship at church we were directed to just stop and take it in. And I realized that for the first time in 6 months, I sang during worship. I didn't just sit and let the tears flow. I was able to sing...and I felt something. I felt something so familiar, yet almost unrecognizable. It took me awhile to decipher the emotion....it was hope.
I felt hope.
So, I now can sit with such gratefulness:
Gratefulness with a God who sees me, sees Rob, and knows every part of it all.
Gratefulness with Whitworth for paying tribute to my daughter....for loving her so well. And loving all of those in their circle. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Gratefulness for those on this path...those that I am in personal contact with...to share this trek with. There are more of us than I ever knew. None of us chose this path, nor want it. But here we are, supporting each other.
Gratefulness for hope. For spring. For new life.
And gratefulness for the good a little unzipping can do. Sometimes, it's just got to come out. And if I can do that without hurting myself, or others, then maybe I'm ok....By the grace of God, we are making it.