The sky is blue, the sun is out, and it’s 64 degrees!
I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed the sun…growing up in Leavenworth, and 300+ blue sky days a year, I just didn’t know.
Then you add grief into the mix, and, well, you get an entirely different person at times!
I felt so compelled to write to you today. And today, I felt compelled with so many different emotions than I normally feel when I need to write.
Today I felt happiness.
I felt warmth.
I felt motivation.
I felt energy.
And I smiled at images popping into my Facebook memories feed.
You see, this time period was one of my favorites as a mom of active teens. In particular, an active daughter.
This is when softball season started. And I had every excuse in the book to be sitting on the bleachers, in the sun, watching one of my favorite sports to watch!
And, this was dance competition in Couer d’Alene. A family trip and stay in a hotel. We all went. We all ate out. We all supported Andrea.
And it was so fun! We sat all winter for wrestling and enjoyed every second! So this was the spring version.
And it was also the spring musicals at Cascade. “Into the Woods” Andrea’s senior year was her greatest acting in my opinion. If you saw her, you are now nodding your heard. Her mannerisms were old and witch-like…she held her hand crooked just so…she walked stooped over. The only other time I saw her physically encapture the moments like this were when she danced.
Funny, she didn’t sing with quite the same emotion…but to watch her dance?
Now, to listen to her sing though…do you remember? I do…
But today, those memories popped up, and I smiled.
I felt happiness.
I’ve felt good, no great, for 2 weeks now.
This was my normal.
Not anymore.
Now, it feels awkward, a bit weird. If I’m honest, a little guilty.
I asked one of my closest friends if I was acting manic. It felt that strange.
Her response was, no, it’s a glimpse of the old you.
Just so you know, I’m not “all better.”
I never will be.
I am forever changed.
But, 28 months into a world without Andrea, and I’m learning my limits. I’m learning my boundaries, and I’m stronger. I’m learning to carry the grief. I’m learning to live with the emptiness.
It is still there.
Every single enormous piece of it.
But I’m learning to carry it.
And, I can carry that loss, while feeling a bit of that joy, simultaneously.
Cassie told me that when we went to a musical together, with Kaylee, that it was ok to feel both. She saw my tears that night with the huge absence of Andrea. And she gave me permission.
I can feel both.
And you know what? It feels pretty good.
I’m not sure how long I’m going to get to feel that warm embrace.
Will it last until the temperature drops again?
Until the clouds roll back in?
Until another dusting of snow covers the ground?
Will it last until next October when the darkness closes in?
I don’t know.
But I’m learning to allow my self to go with the seasons. The seasons around us, and the seasons in my heart.
I gave myself grace for the many months of lack of motivation. All I wanted to do was sit and crochet; by myself. And hibernate.
And that’s ok. I mean, the bears do it right?
It is ok.
Maybe spring really is coming. Maybe I am feeling my heart re-awaken a little. And if it goes away for a bit, that’s ok too.
Kinda like Montana right?
How many times are we going to exchange the sun for a layer of snow until summer hits for those glorious 5 weeks!
But, I’ll take the feel of warmth on my cheeks right now.
I’ll take the joy in my heart.
And I’ll jump on that motivation bandwagon for the moment.
And I’ll ride that ray for as long as it’s here….
And be ok when it’s not. Because, when it’s not, it won’t last forever.
And someday, I’ll be in a place where that joy is forever. Tears won’t fall. And I’ll be watching Andrea in a world where I will never have to say goodbye again.