Today’s blog is going a different direction.
This week has not been without it’s grief…I’m beginning to understand that is an always and forever path now.
It’s been 2 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since Andrea ran ahead to heaven.
For some reason, the disbelief has been a daily discussion in my head. The disbelief has, for some reason, hit hard this week.
This was the period of time where we realized how much she was struggling. How hard she was trying. This was the beginning of the 8 months of fear, of confusion, of wondering how to help, what to do….but, I told you, this blog is different.
This blog is about peanut M&Ms.
Peanut M&Ms on my birthday nonetheless.
This has been a challenging month as a teacher, wondering if I’m doing good, or unknowingly doing harm….trying to find the balance.
I have not yet developed the thicker skin. And, come to realize, I’m not going to. I also love so much…sometimes too much crossing boundaries needed on both sides.
But, even so, today gave me a boost of confidence, a reassurance and a joy to keep it going.
So, here’s the story for you. I have a gumball machine in my classroom. It was my dad’s and I remember it being in his office while he was a pastor. It always had jelly beans in it. In my classroom, I like to keep peanut M&Ms in it, and I give out pennies to students throughout the day. Boy, what they’ll do for a penny! Bribing? Positive reinforcement? Either one, it is highly effective!!!!
Well, I like peanut M&Ms…and this allows me to have one penny a day, which yields 3-4 peanut M&Ms.
Well, the kids wanted jelly bellies. So….I switched them. And I no longer get my chocolate fix…But again, for 3-5 jelly bellies! You should see what they do!
I have this student who has a lot of challenges in his life. And he shows up daily without anyone making him. Usually it’s between 10-11 each day, and a couple days a week, he makes it before school starts! And for that, I am so proud of him.
Anyways, we speak different languages, and I have to work really hard to listen past his defiance. Sometimes I can, sometimes not so much.
Our little town had a parade. He was in it. When they passed me, he threw me a piece of candy…This was not a random throw, it was specifically sent to me. And miraculously, I caught it.
It was a pretty worn, handled mini-bag of peanut M&Ms.
He told me it was the only one in the bag of candies.
He held it through the entire parade to throw it to me.
This is why I went back to school after 30 years.
This brings joy to my heart.
This helps carry the weight I bear.
I can’t give you advice on what to do when you are close to someone struggling.
I couldn’t save Andrea.
I can’t guarantee I can save this one. Fortunately, it’s not up to me…I have help.
But, for the time I have, I can be there. I can be present. I can try. I will fail. And I will try again.
And once in awhile, I’ll catch that bag of peanut M&Ms.