It is my spring break. I have been with people for 9 days now. I have been without Rob for 9 days. I cried when I left Rob- I've never done that. Rob held me, and then, felt the need to clarify, "It's a good thing your crying right? It means you're gonna miss me right?" And we both grin.
Yes, I miss him.
I have been surrounded by good people. People who are good for me. People I adore. Those who are closest to me; but, I've been with people for 9 days. That's a long time right now.
I have been with people who love me well.
But, that's a long time right now.
I have felt joy in the crinkle of Sailor's eyes, and then the full mouthed grin. Not just at her dad I'll have you know; but at me, Nana.
I have savored the hugs of those who have known me my entire life.
I have laughed at memories shared with lives so entwined with mine, it's hard to remember times we didn't share together.
And I've cried. I've sobbed on shoulders.
I walked downtown Leavenworth and saw people. I saw their look of joy at seeing me, and then the realization of my path...and we held each other in the first acknowledgement of that pain; together.
It was hard.
It was good.
I'm tired.
As I sat in the hot tub with those who have known me decades, she asked, "sometimes it just sneaks up on you..."
No, it never sneaks up on me. To be able to sneak up, you would have to be unaware. Not yet. I almost look forward to that time, when it has an opportunity to sneak up on me. That would mean the grief would have been gone for a moment.
I don't have to pretend. Those who surround me have loved me well...no fake mask, no effort to be cheerful is needed...but still, it's been a long week. The sadness can't be kept at bay any longer.
So, I sob in the shower. And then I write.
And I move one day further on this journey called grief.
And I smile again.
I am learning. You move one day at a time. And the tears space themselves out. The sadness stays at bay for longer periods of time. Life continues to move forward with so much to celebrate. And you learn to savor and just take it it.
Pandi's Prayer is that you truly know the grace God has for you. The knowledge that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows the hairs on your head...every single one.
Carrie's heart is that you see Jesus. In her. In this.
He is God and I will trust in Him.
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