It's been awhile. That's been deliberate.
The summer starts a whole new ballgame and I'm a little bit nervous. Ok- I'm actually quite scared. I'm not sure how to navigate all this empty time by myself. Not really looking forward to it, to be honest. My students kept my mind occupied, my emotions stable. I've got so many fun things to look forward to; seeing Sailor and the boys, horse camping, hikes, Florida (right now) visiting my mom and brother, and meeting up with my Adventure Wednesday crew, Scrapbooking weekend -that hasn't been scrapbooking for years, Phoenix for Color Street convention.
So many fun things!!!! But, I'm afraid of the days inbetween. There aren't a lot, but I don't need more than a few hours alone to lose myself in a sea of grief.
And I'm scared.
I've got a new tactic though. I practiced it the week after school got out, in the 4 empty days I had.
I'm learning to push the grief aside. No, I'm not stuffing it. I'm not ignoring it. I'm just choosing when to jump into that sea- you've got to sometimes. As much as I dont like it, it's part of my landscape now. That sea cannot be ignored. So, I jump in. But I only jump in when I have my PFD on hand- personal floatation device for those who were wondering.
I feel sad...underneath always right now. Someone did tell me the other day that my smile was beautiful. I was kind of surprised. I've always heard that -but I hadn't for awhile. It felt good. I was glad it was back. I still haven't gotten to the part when the happy memories outweigh the sadness, though. I will, it's just gonna take some time.
Grief is a different story. Grief has the potential of robbing my joy. And I have so much joy to experience. I don't want to miss one ounce of joy! So, I've got to find a way to deal with the grief that is healthy for me. So- I wait until I have a PFD handy. I need switches to pull me out of that grief sea. You see, once you jump in, the current pulls you deeper and it's so easy to just sit there in that grief.
But it's dark there. And lonely. And while I need to jump in, it's not good for me to stay there.
So, I pick when to jump in very deliberately. I might jump in right before knitting night at the Pub. Or a Friday afternoon -not too far before Rob gets home. Or right now.
I'm learning to look ahead at my week. Too many empty hours? I better call someone and plan a hike, a ride, lunch- or force myself to walk to the pool where my PFDs are....they are waiting to pull me out. They probably don't know it -this alone time they gave me- has given me the perfect opportunity to grieve - for just a bit. Just a quick dunk....
Silly me- of course they know...