A dear friend texted me a few weeks ago;
"I love you in the light, I love you just as much in the dark."
I don't know if I love me in the dark. I am all about the light. I love Easter. I love the sunrise service, watching to sun come up, knowing the tomb was empty.
Everything I knew, all that I believed in revolved around the empty tomb.
But to acknowledge the magnitude, the miracle of the empty tomb, you have to sit with death.
I now understand the emotions of that Saturday so many years ago. The shock of the death that leaves you- shattered; the death that was not suppose to be. It was not a part of the plan. It cut short the story; the potential of a future.
I understand Mary's pain now; her despair, shock, confusion, disbelief, anger.
The questions.
It wasn't suppose to be. I believed a different story was unfolding as well....
I understand the cost that was paid.
I had never fully understood before.
In this life, I now sit in my lament.
I never understood the Psalms before, the laments.
Andrea did. In her journal she wrote Psalms 51 over and over again.
She understood lament.
And now she is experiencing the contrast, pure joy.....
But I'm not, I'm still in a lament.
And that's ok.
Because joy WILL come in the morning...it will.
It will be different than what I've previously experienced.
But, it will come.
I understand the loss this year- in ways I never understood before.
Jesus begging, Is there another way oh God?
He knew the pain, the heartache, and He chose it anyway.
For me.
For you.
Knowing He would rise, didn't make the death any easier.
For Mary, watching him on the cross ripped her in pieces. She might as well have been there....I'm sure she wished she was. I would have carried Andrea's pain....
But, Mary could not. Nor could I.
And Jesus chose because He did know the end of the story.
He beat death. The final battle will be won, and we will be together!
And then, THEN I WILL SING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!
And I will DANCE!
And I will LAUGH!
And CRY!!!
And my JOY will know no bounds!
I don't think I'd survive this if I did not believe in that hope; if I did not know from the depths of my soul.
Andrea's story was cut short.
Satan played a mean one here....no 21 year old, full of love, full of beauty full of the potential of life should be ripped away.
That is not part of the plan.
But, even so, so many years ago, Death lost.
My hope is in eternity.
My hope is in Him.
In that, I will hold on.
A Mother's Lament
-written by the mother of Andrea Sorensen
How long will my heart by heavy?
For how long will my eyes burn; with tears shed, and unshed?
How long will my soul search for that old, familiar joy?
Why, Lord, why? My faith was strong. I never wavered in my belief. I was loyal.
We did all we thought was right. We gave all we could.
She had so much left to give.
Why?
With one word, you could have changed it all. You could have preserved her future here on earth.
You could have preserved mine...
Why did you allow this to be stolen from us?
Why?
Have I not been faithful?
Have I not been true?
I didn't want to be stronger.
I was content with my faith.
It was enough.
Could there not have been another way?
Why?
But, if this is the path You have allowed me to travel
I will trust in You.
You are a good God; the Creator of the Universe.
You know what I do not.
And, You see me.
You collect every tear.
You reveal Your presence in "My Moon, Mommy. It's my moon!"
You show Yourself in the purples and the oranges of the sunset.
Somehow, You will use this in me, to bring You glory.
You must.
You promised.