Learning to Dance in the Mourning

I don't know, I think that will be the title of my book someday.

I feel a change in the tide, a change in how I learn to live my very full life.

I'm trying to not let myself sit in the sad too long.

Sharing my heart is difficult...It just confirms I'm still here. I'm not through it. I'm not over it.

And, I'm realizing it will always be so.

I have people around me who let me feel the grief....still...

And, I let them see it.

The uncomfortable pain.

The tears in yoga.

The saying no to a work shift, or dinner at friends...because I just can't....

It's a new reality for me.

One I don't know, nor understand.

New boundaries, unknown limits, new skills needed...

I don't live in Fantasy Land anymore.

And every time I wonder if I should share, someone reaches out and says,

"Thank you for sharing your journey..."

So, I share.

I don't want you to think I've turned into this melancholy, mopey, sad person.

I have not.

People still notice my smile.

I laugh frequently.

I love life.

But it's hard. I have a new reality that I'm, frankly, not quite sure how to live out.

I bought this shirt in Disneyland, January, 2018. It walked by on a person, and Rob said, "You need that!"

Now, Rob NEVER tells me I NEED to buy ANYTHING!

But this shirt? Absolutely.

I live in Fantasyland

And I thrived there. Now, I wasn't quite so naïve that I didn't think bad things happen. Nor had I lived a life where I hadn't experienced hard. If you know me, you know this to be true. You've walked with me. And I did walk them.

But, my optimism was unchanged.

I still saw reconciliation.

I still saw the miracles.

I saw how God turned ashes to beauty!

But this one, this one is different.

There is a finality in death. And in the death of your child. And, let's be honest, suicide.

I prayed for a miracle.

I begged, on my knees...daily. Hourly.

I walked with her.

I prayed for her.

We showed up.

And, for reasons I don't understand-the angels didn't pull her back.

For reasons I don't understand-she was not healed.

I don't understand.

Even so...

When the miracle does not appear this side of heaven,

When the heart cannot heal in this life,

I will stand on His faithfulness.

Why?

Because, He is faithful. He is still faithful! (The first one was quiet. The second stronger, and now I'm going to say it loud)

HE IS STILL FAITHFUL!

And, my heart cry is to have Jesus reflected in me.

From the time I was 4 years old this was my heart cry.

Even though.....

My heart cry has not changed.

So, I'm going to learn to dance in the mourning....

And,

I will let you see the dance,

and the mourning.

My prayer mirrors Pandi's...

More than anything, in spite of everything, because of everything,

I want Jesus reflected in me!

Pandi's Prayer; Carrie's heart,

They are the same.