Joy.
That's the one word I would use to describe me. It's how I felt. It's how I lived. It bubbled up within me. Spontaneously, my heart smiled.
I'm tired of being sad. It's hard on me. Fighting off the sad- keeping it at bay- takes a lot of effort. More than I would have ever imagined.
Life is good- truly it is. I am happy. My students, they make me smile; most of the time.
I get to see Sailor this week. I get to share life with my boys and their wives; my husband. My life really is good. I am blessed.
But, it's all tinged with sad.
I've been sad before. I sat in it way too long. But I was fighting it. I thought I could somehow control a different outcome; make a change. I mourned what could have been, should have been and fought against the loss.
This is different. There is no changing this loss. It is done. There is no fighting it.
And I am sad. But happy too.
It's a weird way to live.
I don't want to sit in this sad. Or rage against it. But, I will fend it off for longer stretches each week. I'm developing tactics to try and switch my brain from the swirling thoughts that all end in the same place. The same sad questions, longing, absence.
Jesus, you see me. You fill me. You give me what I need.
I laughed tonight. Laughed harder than I've laughed in a while.
Joy will return.
I think it will look different, this joy tinged in sad. Rather than fragile bubbles exploding, it might be the babbling of a river, deeper and stronger. Joy still bubbles up, but this is a deliberate joy. It is purposed.
I will choose this joy. I will...
Pandi's Prayer is that you experience God's grace today, and truly believe it is meant for you. To know that you are a child of the King.
And Carrie's heart is that you would see Jesus in her, even in this.
Especially in this.