As I ponder how to honor Andrea on what would have been her 23 birthday here with us, I am blown away by how God reveals to me in so many way that He is here, He is present, and He knows exactly where I am at.
I am truly in awe.
Every year, for 21 of the last 23 years, on this day, I would either climb into bed with Andrea, or 2 years ago, I face-timed her....from my classroom.
She was not very impressed. I thought I was hysterical. It was the last time I shared her birth-story with her.
Last year, I shared it with no one.
This year, I share it with you.
23 years ago, at about this time, I went in for my scheduled 3rd C-section! I even missed Bunco for you! As I start, she groans, "Mom...not again!" Always, on this day...
I stalled a bit before we decided to have you. Originally, I wanted 4 of you...but then I was pregnant the first time and I didn't want to be pregnant four times...I actually hoped you'd be a twin! But, sort of not. I waited and prayed for my little girl! I prayed she'd be fiery and strong, independent and fun! Someone to make matching dresses for, and go to plays with! And then, when you grow up we can travel together! I did pray you'd have red hair too, but God decided different. You're dad had a reddish beard- it could have been! But, I love your long golden hair even more...it fits you perfectly.
Back to the story-in I went, missing Bunco and everything! You were delivered a wee bit early. You needed oxygen, but as far as caesarians went- you were a piece of cake! The bunco ladies called that night, and so many people came to the hospital to meet you! SO MANY!!! You were a long-anticipated gift!
And a gift you were. A gift I enjoyed for 21 years.
As I have been contemplating this day, this 23 anniversary of her birth, I have felt a turning in my heart. A stirring in my soul that my grief journey in this blog may be seeing a small shift. Maybe, maybe, I can begin to unwrap the beautiful gift of the 21 years I was given, rather than the astronomical years that were stolen. They were still stolen. They were. There is a darkness that stole her; robbed me and all who knew her. Even robbed those who didn't know her. She was stolen. But, I will not let him win.
So, I begin to focus on unwrapping the gift I had. And, as you know, to know her, to love her was a gift.
As I feel this tiniest of sprouts, several things happened to reveal to me, confirm to me, the direction God is bringing me. It's scary. I'm still so raw. But, I feel the hope.
So, I chose to jump in.
Last week, as we sat in church, we were asked, "What breaks your heart? If you sit on a burden long enough, it becomes a dream."
Here is what I wrote in my notes for that night.
My heart can't break anymore that it is....I have no fear of breaking it further. I've grieved the deepest grief I think you can. So, now that I'm broken, Lord, use these ashes. I know you will turn my mourning to dancing.
Ok, that was hard to write.
Turn my mourning to dancing.
I don't know how, but You will. You will not let this be wasted. You will not let Andrea's life be wasted. I've sat in this grief for 14 months. Now, I'm going to allow God to use this. How am I going to honor my daughter? I'm not sure, but the best way I can honor her, is by honoring Him.
Then I sat on that for a few days.
And then, on January 9th, we attended Rachel's Challenge with my junior highers. It was emotionally impactful.
Rachel's Challenge is this:
1) Look for the best in others.
2) Dream Big
3) Choose Positive Influences
4) Speak with Kindness
5) Start your own Chain Reaction of Kindness.
I warned my students I would cry...probably the entire presentation. And I did. They made sure I had Kleenex, and gave me a group hug.
I can't wait to begin to unwrap who Andrea was. Who she was to you; as a friend, as a mentor, as Sis, as a sister. I know everything in Rachel's Challenge would have resonated with Andrea. Truly, these things were who Andrea was.
For the last 14 months, I have been learning to stand with my grief. Now, I want to learn who my daughter was by hearing your stories. Will you teach me? I was Mom. I didn't get to be friend yet. But you were. Share with me her stories. Share with me her heart. I look forward to learning who she was to you, so that Pandi's Prayer becomes just that.....Truly, Pandi's prayer.
Will you do that for me? Will you send me your stories of Andrea? You can message me, text me, email me here, or you can post them on her facebook page. I may have had bits and pieces of your stories. I may have witnessed some, but other, I probably have never heard. It would bring me so much joy to hear them. I watched the Walmart checkout person as Andrea complimented her smile. I heard her tenderness as she sought out those overlooked. But I saw so little comparatively. I yearn knowing her as you knew her. I didn't get to be her friend yet....through you, I'll find Pandi's Prayer.
Because you heard it too...