Last night, a friend asked how I was doing. "Is it getting any easier?"
Actually, no. And I'm surprised.
"But the intensity? Is it lessening?"
Well....I don't cry multiple times a day, but when I do, the intensity is still the same....
And I'm surprised.
It was 6 months last Wednesday. I cannot believe it's been 1/2 a year.
No, it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It still feels like last week to be honest.
I was talking to a friend, who lost her son 4 months ago, and we discussed how hard it is to read others who have dealt with this kind of loss...and 8 years later it is still as difficult.
But, we learn to deal. Our muscles strengthen, and while it's not easier, we are better equipped to carry it.
I am experiencing that. No, it's not easier. No, it's not less intense, but, I'm a little bit more prepared. I know the signs, and I also know tools to deal with it in a healthy way.
I'm stronger.
And today, as I'm trying to get my Master's work done, I know I need to process before I can focus on school work.
So, today I reminisce on that week in November, when David, Michael, Cassie, Kaylee, Rob and I spent a week in Michael & Kaylee's little apartment.
Today, I reminisce on the strange tenderness; the feeling of belonging and love in the midst of the greatest sorrow we'd ever experienced.
As I was processing the memory of this time, I opened "Streams in the Desert" and read todays devotion: "Much of the world's beauty is due to clouds."
I hope you never need each other like we needed each other that week. I hope you never, ever have a pain so great, that all you can do is just be. I hope you never have the clouds that we have.
But if you do, savor even that. The sweetness of the physical touch. The pile on the couch. The togetherness of that time. We were all that mattered. And we looked to each other. We needed each other.
To the family and friends that showed up to surround us and protect that precious time for us; I am forever grateful. You took care of details. Food was brought. Appointments set up. Decisions made. And there were no expectations.
So, we just sat. Together. And we were.
We loved, we cried, we remembered, we took walks alone, but, we just were.
Somehow, in the sorrow, in the horror, in the shock- we loved.
Together, we were stronger.
And it was special. For that, I am so grateful.
Men see not the bright light which is in the clouds. Job 37:21