Of course, all of us who have had any faith background know the correct Sunday school answer.
Obviously, God is sovereign.
But when you break that down, that means that God is not only aware, allows, and yes, has a plan for the good and the bad.
I had a hard time writing that sentence. I had to write “has a plan” instead of “planned.”
32 months into a world without our daughter, and I am beginning to explore this.
I’m reading a devotional titled, “Hope,” by Nancy Guthrie.
It is really good.
It is challenging.
It is hard.
She has suffered great loss and she brings up the hard questions.
Job 2:10 says (Carrie’s paraphrase) should we only take the good things from God? And not the bad?
Isaiah 45:7 says, “I send the good, and the bad.”
That’s hard for me to swallow.
I want to say He just knew about Andrea’s thoughts, he allowed her choices, he allowed the broken mess of this world to take her. Surely, He did not “send” it….
And then I realize, as much as I try to figure out the whys, why do my students respond, why does Rob react, so that I can “fix” whatever it is that I’m doing.
Here’s the thing, with God, there is nothing to fix.
I cannot understand His ways.
Nor His plan.
He knows the whole picture. The picture of the entire universe. As much of a thinker as I am, for the first time in my life I don’t have the energy to “figure out” everyone’s thoughts. And even less energy to fix what isn’t mine.
And as much as I hate it, losing Andrea isn’t mine.
It wasn’t my doing.
I didn’t control any of it.
Actually, Andrea probably was not in near the control that I give her credit for.
Like a physical illness, cancer, mental illness takes over in the same manner.
We say she made a choice, and she did, in the contraints of a broken world. But then, how much choice does a person have with cancer? More similarities than I’d ever contimplated before.
Like Joseph told his brothers in Genesis, “Do not be angry at yourselves for what God did.”
So, what does this all mean?
Honestly, I’m not sure.
But here’s what I know.
God is God.
He is sovereign.
He knows me better than I know myself.
Even though, He allowed, it was part of His plan….I don’t even know how that works because His thoughts are so much bigger than mine.
So, I rest in trusting him.
He’s got me.
He is holding Andrea right now.
And somehow, someway, this will also be used to being Him glory. And that had been my heart cry from my earliest memories. To bring Him glory. My heart cry has always been to draw others to Christ, somehow, through me.
I have had so much good given to me.
My life has been blessed beyond measure. He has given me so much… I took that without question. And it was good. It is good!
I will trust Him.
And I know that I know that I know, He is walking beside me every step of the way.
And here’s the other thing, I also know that I know that I know, in the core of my soul, that I will see her again.
This is temporary housing.
My permanent home is in Heaven.
And while I enjoy my time here, I do long for that eternity….some day….
I will accept the good, and the tragic.
Not always with a willing heart, and often with anger, but still, He is here.
He can handle all my emotions, the joy, the sorrow and the anger.
I still don’t have a clue about sovereignity…but that’s ok. I’m not meant to fully understand it…yet.
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