My emotions are mixed right now. Well, mixed is an understatement.
Eight months into this journey, and the waves just keep hitting.
Maybe, enough time has passed that I'm taken by surprise. Maybe, this is just how it is.
I don't know. I've not traveled this road before.
This past weekend, I realized, I'm not who I was.
I had a friend come and shake my hand over Thanksgiving saying, "Carrie, I've not met you before. I knew a different Carrie...she looked like you..."
She was right. I knew a different Carrie....
Some have told me the sparkle is beginning to return to my eyes.
And the smile is brighter. Not the same radiance, but, things are returning.
And then there are days that they aren't.
I usually like to take care of others. I like to be the one to bring joy; happiness.
I don't have much to share these days.
I know it will get better. I do.
I also know so many are grieving Andrea's death. It's not just me. Or Rob. Or David and Michael, Cassie and Kaylee.
We have extended family that lost someone who touched them greatly. Multiple communities have lost her.
They have needs also...and I can't meet them.
I am so grateful they can see that, and find ways to fill those needs without my help. Or input. Or decisions.
I am grateful. And yet I'm heartbroken. I wish we didn't need memorials. Or reminders. Or an incredibly beautiful bench with the dates of life,
and death...
and the precious name Rob and I picked out 22 years ago.
I am so grateful for the grace to not be able to be there for you. I can hardly keep myself together right now.
I don't talk as much right now because everything reminds me of Andrea. Every story. Every view. Every smile. Every laugh. Every flower.
That will also change. I know it will.
Someday, these things will be in the background.
But for now, they are in the forefront. Always.
Every....single...breath...
I don't show my gratefulness like I'm used to. My emotions feel...dulled...
I'm usually effusive.
I have such protective walls up right now.
I'm more fragile than I ever thought I'd be...
I can't handle much.
But I try.
Thank you for grace and understanding.
And not expecting.
Not judging.
I know the losses you have been dealt this year as well.
Incredible losses in addition to Andrea.
I wish I could comfort you. I wish I could carry some of you pain.
At some point, I will be able to remember and smile.
Eventually, I will be able to hold you.
But for now, I'm just not there yet.
Thank you for the beauty that you gave.
For the sacrifices you made in your own grief.
For the honor you have given Andrea.
"For Whoever wants to save their life will lose it,
but whoever loses their life for Me will save it." Luke 9:24
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