I'm sitting at school, trying to prep for the last 5 days of school before break, but I can't wait to write to you!
God shared something with me this morning and it was so profound, I felt His presence so strongly, I had to scribble in my journal! I had to record what he whispered to me.
Some background on how life has been the last few weeks before I share with you what He whispered to my heart:
It's been a good several weeks. Life is taking on it's new shape and feel. I'm learning to adjust. I am very excited to spend Christmas with the boys, Cassie, Kaylee and Sailor in Spokane. I can't wait actually! I get to fill stockings, we're gonna look at lights and go to Michael and Kaylee's church...I'm not doing matching PJs...
New traditions. Building new memories while holding onto what I have of Andrea. It's a hard balance....
I've been listening to a song by Love and the Outcome, called Mother. It talks about wishing she knew Mary. What kind of mom was she, gentle or stern. Did You drive her crazy?
So then, I've been pondering Mary, the mother of Jesus. She lost her son. Not only lost, but watched him die. Then, the overwhelming joy when He arose. I can't imagine.
What am I saying.
I imagine this on a daily basis actually. I so can imagine the joy. The feelings of "It was a nightmare!! It's over!"
I can totally imagine her joy, her relief, her heart....
And then He ascended....
Yes, He went to heaven.
But still, He's gone physically.
Again, I get that.
I'm a little ashamed to admit that I've never been very dissatisfied with our home on Earth. I've always been quite content. More than content. I haven't wanted to leave this earth. The people, the things...this Earth held me more than it should.
But now, it feels different. It's not my home. Jesus should be my pull, not Andrea.
If I'm completely honest.....this earth doesn't hold the same for me anymore.
It is more broken than I ever realized.....
Last night at church, the lesson was being a Calm Creator. In order to do that you need to:
Listen Well
Allow Others to Ask Anything
Allow Others to Disagree Freely
Love Regardless
Such a concept. I love this so much and want this in my classroom. It's what I strive for. I do it really well some days, and not so well others. In processing this, I begin to be overcome with doubts.
Am I unintentionally being a chaos creator? I want to practice these things so well.
I strive to be a Calm Creator.
And then I begin to go down that trail....one that is dark and dangerous. One that is not encouraging. One that is not healthy.
I wonder. As a parent. What did I do wrong?
What didn't I do right?
When you are the parent losing a child to suicide, these questions haunt you. I can't imagine how it wouldn't. Actually, if we're honest, all parents are haunted by these questions...we all want what's best for our children. Did we do our job well?
Rob tells me we didn't do anything wrong. We didn't cause this. He tells me I can't camp there. He tells me we were good parents.
To be honest, I'm not sure I believe him.
Yet, I know he's right.
This catches you up to my morning.
December 15, 2022.
I wish I could say daily devotions are my strength, that like Rob, and my Dad, you find me every morning with an open bible in front of me searching God's word for wisdom and strength.
Well, that is not me.
This year, I have read my bible more days than I have not. And it took the death of my daughter to get me that consistency.
Not a guilt thing, it's just being honest.
I grew up with the Bible, and being in church. Most is very familiar. It's all good. But to be honest, I'm not often profoundly hit.
There. I said it out loud.
But this morning....God spoke specifically, and directly to me. In a way I've experienced a few times. And always, it was with a sweet, loving gentleness.
Today, similar.
I was reading Luke 15, because it is December 15, and I decided I was going to read a chapter in Luke a day.
As I was quickly reading the chapter sitting on the bench getting my shoes on, because I had forgotten to read it first thing in the morning, familiar parables were being shared.
The lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. As I skimmed the reading, I'm praying...Lord...I need something for me. I stop, and I try to listen.
Reading the prodigal son, looking more closely.
The youngest son went on a journey to a distant country, and there he squandered his estate. Luke 15:14. I read a little closer. There is no evidence that there was poor parenting involved, or even mediocre parenting. There was just parenting...doing the best they could and the youngest son made a choice.
God spoke to my heart. Not about the prodigal son, but about the father.
"Aren't I a Father? Do I not know all the right ways to parent? Don't I love well? And yet, your world is broken. You cannot control it all. It is not your weight to carry. It is mine."
Rob was right.
God spoke to me this morning. And I cried. He spoke just to me in the parable of the prodigal son.
And it did my heart so good. And the darkness lifted once again.
Our world is broken. We believe lies. This is not our home. We were created for so much more. In this world there is sickness, and pain, and tears.
But, someday, we will be in a world free of pain. No sadness. No sickness. I will get to go home.
Oh come let us adore Him, Christ the King.
Oh come let us adore Him.
I do love Christmas music.