This is a hard conversation.
I'm struggling with reconciling the act of suicide, and my amazing daughter.
This is so hard.
It's not just the loss, but the act itself.
I'm torn. How do we talk about suicide and mental health in order to learn? To heal?
How do we talk about it, and remember Andrea, and yet never, ever, EVER, give anyone the idea that suicide is the right choice.
Or the only choice.
Or even a choice.
Never.
I swing from being angry at Andrea for her choice.
I struggle with the illness that she was dealing with, to the responsibility of her choice.
And then I swing over to being so proud of the strength that she had. Being so in awe of who she was. Of missing her so much.
You who knew her, knew her strength, her determination, her courage, her boldness.
She checked herself into the ER, not once, but twice. She knew she'd be taken to a behavioral health facility; twice.
I have been told a week in these facilities is hard. Really hard. Terrifyingly hard.
She...drove....herself.
She was so brave. She fought so hard. She lost one battle in the mind, but yet had won thousands...every minute of every day for awhile. Probably far longer than I can, or want to admit.
A quote from a friend; "Satan won the mind, but God holds the heart." For eternity.
She was so strong. And brave. And courageous.
She was tricked. Deceived. Weary. And she wanted to go home.
I am so proud of her for fighting. I can't even comprehend her courage.
I don't know what we could have done. I have no advice to give parents struggling with adult children with depression. I have no answers to those who wonder, "how can I help my friend."
I don't know how to help.
I can't save anyone.
You can't save anyone.
We can't even save ourselves.
But God can.
And then I cry, but God, You didn't save her! Why?
And the whisper comes back.
But I did. Remember? She was so young, her little girl voice so sweet and trusting. She asked me into her heart. She loved me for all her years. She danced through the aisles at church worshiping me before she could talk! She is mine!
I have kept the covenant I made with her.
She is saved.
I see just this life on earth, but there is so much more. Eternity is so much more.
For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten son. Whosoever believes in him, will...not...perish...
but have everlasting life.
John 3:16
I can't save anyone.
I can hold my hand out, and walk beside you.
But, I can't save. Only God can do that. And the picture is so much larger than I can see.
Pandi's Prayer is that you would know Jesus, and ask the One who can save, to save you.
Carrie's heart is that you will see God's faithfulness, even in this.