11 months today.
I read on Facebook, a friend who is 23 years on this path...
I remember that service.
I was there. Pregnant with Andrea.
See, there is the challenge for me right now.
Everything I see, everything I think, it all reminds me of Andrea.
But I'm not to the point, yet, that I bask in the joy her life brings.
I'm still sitting in the grief her loss has left.
And that's hard.
It's exhausting.
And I don't know how to get out.
This fall has been hard, and I've never struggled with fall. I've always loved fall! I love the change, the crisp morning, warm afternoons..and the colors! I love the colors!
This fall has been more difficult.
I feel the darkness.
I feel the solitude.
And, in the life I now live, my checklist that keeps me going is short.
I've finished my degree.
Andrea's Celebration of life was celebrated with so many people.
And we scattered her ashes....
I have nothing left to plan...for her.
And for me, that is so very hard.
I'm making great choices. I fill my calendar with laughter and fun activities.
But, still, I huddle under the weight of her loss.
I'm tired of mourning.
One other time I felt this way. I felt the weight of mourning. The world around me was wrong everyplace I looked. It wasn't as it should be. It wasn't how God planned.
And then, the voice of wonderful Pat Morrison gently, and lovingly spoke to me.
If you've ever had Pat speak directly to you, and give you advice, you were blessed indeed. She was wise, loving and kind. And she gave advice rarely.
But, at that time, she told me there was a time for mourning, and a time for joy.
Ecc 3:4 says, "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance."
This is a grief I can't get over. She will always be gone from my physical life in this world.
But, I can learn to live again, even without her. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm working on it.
Just as God always does, He meets us when we are ready. Gently. Respectfully. He doesn't force us.
Rob and I attended Canvas Conference this weekend, and you guessed it. It was about dying to self, and then learning to live. Funny how God does that....
The focus was on Luke 9:24. Again, interesting. That was Andrea's verse.
Pastor Kevin said, "He might lead you through the valley of the shadow of death..."
He did.
And I followed. I had no choice in that. But, I do have a choice in how I walk that path. Now that I've died a thousand times, I need to find new life.
Satan wants nothing more than to keep my heart dead. He wants me to wallow in that grief and sorrow.
But my God is Greater than my sorrow.
My God is greater than my grief.
My God is greater than our loss.
My God is Greater.
Not even this will rob my joy! I want to be like the serotinous pinecone. The one that brings an abundance of new life ONLY THROUGH THE DESTRUCTION OF FIRE.
I want to be like that.
So, as Andrea said,
"Not Today Satan!!!!"
Not even this.
Not today satan...not today.