I've always thought my Jesus story was kind of boring...No lightning bolts, no rebellious youth turning to God...It seems I've always known God. I remember 4 year old me, sitting in a tree, in Santa Anna, California with my 7 year old friend telling me how to ask Jesus into my heart.
I remember my parents, not Christians then, arguing, trying to figure out life without Jesus.
I remember Raggedy Ann & Andy, demonically dancing on my wall. (Mom said I had a really high fever). I remember singing Jesus loves me while I lay terrified in the dark.
But, I just always remember loving Jesus.
Full disclosure: I have never been good at daily devotions.
I grew up watching dad and his bible, every single morning.
I have watched my husband, every single morning, Bible open on the kitchen table.
That is not my strength.
As a matter of fact, early in our marriage, I was known to leave my Bible open on the coffee table- just to make it look like I read it.
I was always multi-tasking.
But here's the thing...I'm constantly talking to Jesus. I'm not saying that is the same- I need to read the Bible...daily.
I can tell you I have been more consistent in the last 2 years than I have ever been in my entire life.
Have hardly missed a day since November.
Funny how that works.
So, Andrea asked me, "How do you know God's voice if you aren't studying God's word?"
Fair question. Good question. She teaches me so much...
To be honest, I have never audibly heard His voice...I have just seen him every single day, of my entire life. I have never NOT known his quiet voice.
Strangely, I have never doubted his presence...even now.
I see Him.
I see Him in the preparations He made to give us the strength to endure....
So, this week, as I practice seeing God's faithfulness...even...in...this...
I don't feel abandoned by God. I don't question His existence. I don't even question His love for me.
But, previously feeling such a joy in life, the shroud of sadness is hard to hold.
So, in an effort to choose joy even when it's not felt. Choosing to be a beloved daughter even when I feel like I'm on the outskirts of His favor. I know I'm not. That is the mind playing games.
I didn't earn this. Just like I didn't earn the amazing husband I'm married to. I didn't earn the right to raise my three amazing children. I didn't earn the wonderful spouses they chose, or the precious granddaughter. I didn't earn any of those.
I didn't earn this.
None of this is what I deserved...good or bad.
But, I know that I am loved.
I am adored.
I am treasured.
I see it in the sunset.
In the friend who stopped by Sunday afternoon and kept me from falling into the pit of grief.
In a move to Montana 3 years ago.
In a horse named Ima. A mule named Little Foot. And a paint named Frost Bite.
I see His hand in a teaching job in Fortine.
In a community at a pub.
In family within a church.
In new friends who gather with no ties to anyone other than Rob & I.
In old friends who hold us, oh so gently, with strands spanning decades.
In previous heartbreaks that taught me to look for the joy...even in this.
Yes, God if faithful.
I see You.
I chose You.
Pandi's Prayer is that you hunger for His word, devour it, and learn to discern His voice.
Carrie's heart is that you see His faithfulness today...