The darkness is creeping in, in so many ways. As I move into fall, what used to be my favorite season, I now need to bolster up my reserves. I begin to prepare for the darkness, the emotional toll that October, November, December and January takes on me. As I head into the third season, I recognize patterns.
October…this is the month of lasts….Last texts, last phone calls, last physical touch….they come date by date.
November….my least favorite month of all….
December….it’s just hard.
January…another birthday without her….
But, I’m learning how to prepare and finding my limits. My emotions take up a reserve I’m not used to expending. I’m finding I need to conserve. Teaching takes a lot and I need to save for them.
And then I dream of Heaven. I can Only Imagine What it will be like…Will I dance or in Awe of You stand still? Do you hear it singing in your head? Well, I’ve been thinking of that song and I wonder. If I’m honest, my hunger for Heaven may not be to see Jesus, but to see Andrea. Will I say, “Hi Jesus- where’s Andrea?” Will I strain to see the long-haired, grey/green eyed one with a smile saying “Mom, I’m right here.”
To hear her laugh, full and whole. Healthy. Pure joy.
I truly can’t wait.
Or will my mind finally understand a heart-hunger for the God of the universe?
I don’t know how that day will go…..
But, for as long as He has me, I’m here.
And I’m here to live fully in spite of.
I’m not here to just survive, but to live in the fullness of His joy.
I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I’m working on it. And, I am finding it more and more, easier and easier in spite of the always present shroud of grief. Missing Andrea is always there….always…but how can it not? Seriously, how can I think that that pain will ever go away…I am beginning to realize, of course it won’t. And that realization is hard for me to come to grips with…
God knows I only know what I know.
He doesn’t judge me for wanting to see, to touch, to hear my daughter. He doesn’t judge me for wanting to be released from the sadness.
He knows.
And I only know what I know.
Her laugh burned into my heart.
Her smile ingrained in my mind.
Her touch on my cheek on Octover 9, 2021….
I only know what I know.
My heart knows the laugh of Jesus.
My soul knows the look in His eye.
My mind can read His words,
But until I see Him face to face-
I can only imagine. And what I imagine seems achingly familiar to that precious girl I miss so much.
A friend sent me a podcast and the speaker shared that she was sad and succeeding, hurt and healing, crushed yet living;
Those are just emotions and emotions don’t determine who I am, or how I’m actually doing. Emotions come and go.
Faith is an ongoing choice.
So, for today,
“I throw up my hands
Praise You again and again
’Cause all that I have is a hallelujah
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah”.
Gratitude by Brandon Lake
Faith under pressure produces maturity and the ability for God to use me however He chooses.
Even so…
I choose faith.
Emotions range minute by minute. But just so you know- I am doing well. I am succeeding. I am healthy. And I am living. Truly living.
God is still God.
And He is good.