It's been a few good weeks. Feeling hope, gratefulness and even joy stronger than the sorrow.
I don't know if that means I'm learning to allow joy and sorrow to co-exist, or if it's just been a few good weeks.
I'm not sure- but I'll let you know.
I decided to write today though when I'm in a good space. I seem to share when I'm at my lowest. That's when I struggle. And that's when I need you.
But today, the tears seem a little ways off. Sure, I tear up...daily. But, they don't spill over as often. I smile as I hear Hallelujah and see Andrea singing with her face scrunched up hitting all of those notes with such...well...Andrea-ness.
I giggle as I begin to put up my Christmas decorations and change the lights to the colored ones....I share the story with my students of her sighing blissfully at the white segment, groaning in misery when they switch to colored.
They have all taken to groaning with my colored lights.
That makes me smile. One student in particular teasing me as he helped me put up the Christmas decor after school..."It's not even Thanksgiving Mrs. Sorensen!!!!!! But, I guess when we get back on Monday....It will be. Ok" he said with a familiar loving eye-roll..."I'll let you have this one."
As I jump into the Christmas Cheer and the lights, the villages, the stocking stuffers and Hallmark movies....Cassie is the one who always went with me on this one. Even as a 14 year old, Cassie would say "I want to go!!!" And so then David was in, and there we go...
And then those Smoorensen Holidays....Such craziness and fun. The activity, the noise, the laughter.
I don't have it in me for all of that...but, the lights? The decor? Yes, it makes me smile.
This Thanksgiving is quiet for us. I am cooking a turkey for the Trego community dinner, and I get to serve it up at the Pub. I did not do the cooking- just the turkey : ) That's actually the easiest part isn't it?
Rob is hunting. I'm going on a ride with a friend. Rob and I are going to Sandpoint for a couple of nights. Quiet, recovery, recharge.
I find my social battery is so limited...It's strange for me. I've never had to work hard in social situations, but now, they take everything I've got.
The noise, the craziness, the laughter...it doesn't match my heart. So, I choose the quiet right now.
But, in this process they say you jump between loss-orientation and restorative-orientation sometimes simultaneously.
I see that.
Even writing this, I've jumped between the two.
But, for now my smiles outnumber my outward tears. And for that, I am so grateful.
It is a good day to record what I'm Thankful for.
I'm thankful for Rob...he has become my rock.
I'm thankful for my boys. They love so well.
Cassie and Kaylee, the daughters I've gained.
The daughter my heart longs for....I was blessed for the 21 years she was here...
Sailor, the one who brings joy.
Horses. 7th and 8th grade students. Group hugs. Turkey and stuffing.
And my God who is right here the whole time...carrying us when we can't take one more step.
Lament and joy. Inhale...exhale. Both are life.