Yesterday was a great day. A ride in the warmth of the sun, with wonderful company. My husband behind me, and one of my students with beautiful long, wavy blond hair riding in front of me. The view brought back memories of the past, and longing for what should have been in my future with another long, wavy blond haired one....
Which brings me to the question I've been contemplating this week.
It's a difficult question; one I hesitate to verbalize to you.
Maybe it's just a stall tactic to put off working on my Master's for just a few more minutes...
But, it is a questions I've wrestled with this week.
Is this pain worth the memories I hold dear?
Before you jump in and reassure me, and remind me of all I've gained...just sit with me for a minute in my grief.
My head knows the answer, but if I'm honest, I do ask the question...
And at this moment, I struggle with the answer.
I see quotes where people say, "I'd go through every second just to have known you."
And I wonder....
The last 22 years have given me a gift, but that gift came with a pain incomprehensible....
Knowing what I know, would I go through it all understanding the cost?
I'm not sure.
That's why Jesus' death on the cross hits me so hard right now.
He did know the cost.
And He did chose to go through with it; for me. For you.
I'm not sure I could.
I see the posts on Facebook this week, of a loss 11 years ago...and the pain is still as strong.
I see the posts on Facebook of fresh grief.
If I knew in advance, would all the joy have been enough for me to choose this grief?
I don't know.
Fortunately, God doesn't ask that of me.
He just asks that I trust Him now.
And I do.
And I cherish the memories. And the sweetness that I took so much joy in; who she was, and what she taught me. And I am grateful.
And the view ahead of me makes me smile.