All I wanted to hear was the sun in the waves

Rob and I were gifted a trip last week; a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean with his parents and siblings. It was a gift, but one I wasn't sure I was ready for.

And I was right. The dancing on the ship, the mindless chatter, the party-like-life is wonderful was just a bit too much for me.

To steal and modify a line from Mary Oliver, I just wanted to listen to the sun in the waves.

I watched the line dancing and wondered if I will ever dance like that again. Dance like I danced at David's wedding, and Michael's, and Marcus & Katherine's wedding alongside Andrea.

I don't know if I will ever dance with that much abandon, and joy at what life is with the emptiness Andrea leaves.

I don't know if I will on this side of Heaven.

I watched people. I listened. I saw in a new way.

I don't think I knew how to look before. Andrea did though. She always saw....

But I didn't want to hear the chatter. I wanted to know the heart.

I saw a heart on a catamaran. She wore it on her back in the form of a tattoo.

Rest in Peace Zachary.

I saw her heart.

I wanted to hear her.

I noticed her pain. It looked familiar.

I was with family, but their pain was my pain.

Her pain was hers, and mine; connected yet separate.

I stopped her and said, I wish I had time to hear about Zachary.

She said,

It was 11 years ago.

I was in high school.

He was my man.

I cried for her.

I cried for me.

She wiped my tears and told me she loved me.

I believe her.

People are kind.

I felt her pain, and she held mine.

And now I give it to God. He is the only one big enough to hold both of ours. She can't keep mine, nor I hers.

Maybe that's why we struggle. We think we are big enough to carry it all.

We aren't.

We can't.

We have to release it, give it to someone who can cradle each heart in His hands.

He collects every.single.tear.

Only He has the capacity to hold it all.

While I wasn't ready for the chatter, the party.

I was ready to watch, and look for hearts.

Thank you Sydney for helping hold my pain- for a moment.

Now I give it back to the One who can carry it till there is no more.